“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”
I feel this way, pretty much all of the time, at least in regards to the good and bad things that come into my life. There seems to be little, if any, rhyme or reason to the good or bad things that happen to me, when viewed through the lens of my behavior. Sometimes, when I am doing good, good things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am doing good, bad things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am doing bad things, good things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am doing bad things, bad things happen to me.
However, I am coming to understand that blessing comes in two forms. The first, is probably what you think of when you think of blessing. Money, friendship, peace, love, all the good stuff of life. The other, is discipline.
Now, I like the first kind a lot. If you ask me which of the two I want, there will never be any doubt in my mind as to which to choose. Unfortunately, what I want and what I need only rarely seem to coincide.
I feel as though I have been under discipline for the last month or so. This has not come in the form of any physical discomfiture, though for me it rarely does. Instead, I feel as though I’ve been brought to within inches of the things I want, only to have them snatched away to a place that is roughly on the opposite side of a different universe from the one I’m in. Now, I want to be perfectly clear on two important facts.
One, this is a form of blessing. I have never been clearer on some of the forms of idolatry I have allowed myself to practice. I am closer to God than I was before, or likely would have been had the things that have happened not happened.
Two, I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I want to be done with this part of my life so badly that if I were given the option of severing one of my hands with my own teeth or staying here, I’d ask for a bib. Now, I do not hate God. Not for what He has done and not for keeping me here. I hate this place.
And I think that that’s okay. It is okay, to accept that something is from God, will turn out for the good, AND to not want it to happen, and to hate that it is happening.
One of the most interesting aspects of Christianity is that Jesus did not go to the cross stoically. He didn’t want to do it. He wept over it. He begged for a way out. He was so afraid of going through with it that he sweat blood.
God’s will is not always nice. It is not always pretty. Sometimes it pushes us into places we don’t want to be. Sometimes, it hurts. And we need to realize that it isn’t wrong to be afraid, or to not want to go any farther. Some days, all you can do is put up your guard and try to survive. Some times, there are a lot of bad days coming in a row.
Do what it takes to survive. Cry out to God. Scream at Him if you have to. Beg Him if you need to. Just don’t turn away from Him.
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razielredel posted this
